The Fat Monologues

Fell, finally got back up...

2010-09-22T08:37:00.000-07:00

So yes, its been a looooooooong while. Last year was a great year, weight wise. I got down to 213 at an approximate size of 16 (i had gotten back up to a size 24). But in the general life department, not good. Actually, it sucked. A mental breakdown later, I am doing TONS better. Ill blame that on post-partem. But this blog is not about my mental health (or lack-thereof), its about my weight battle, which has been on the back burner, yet, a constant bitter reminder.
I actually signed up for Weight Watchers, here, at my job, I went to the first meeting, and never returned. I know how WW works, the counting points is tedious and annoying, but shit, nothing else is working. I tried taking diet pills but the tremors in my hands were a bit of annoying when I had to write something or hand something to someone. It looked like i had Partkinsens! Add the feeling of having a heart attack, the sideeffects were not worth it to me. So, that leaves WW, to finally learn how to change my eating lifestyle and do it the healthy correct way. No, im not happy about it. but shit, i need to do something about it. This morning, i got the nerve to step on the scale again. before i stepped on, i mentally prepared for the worst. I said to myself "if it is over 246, i will kill myself and die" and the numbers slowly displayed.... 231. WOW! i was shocked! it wasnt as bad as i thought it was going to be! granted, i gained back 18 pounds, but its not 20+, like i originally thought! yeah me! I dont start WW till mondays first meeting, but im feeling so good about the weigh in today, i figured now is as good as time as ever to start trying to trim down the fatness. im drinking lots more water, and instead of engorging over breakfast, i just had a cornmeal. baby steps, little by little. I dont have a choice, I HAVE to do this. Its not a choice!

Hi My Name is Gia and I am Addicted to Food

2009-04-01T07:49:00.000-07:00

I have come to the conclusion that I am totally addicted to food. I have a problem saying "no" to it. Yes, to most that this conclusion is obvious, but to me, it hit me like a train yesterday. I had made dinner, and the food was just horrid (although my husband was sweet enough to eat it). Although I would practically gag every time I put a forkful in my mouth, I could'nt stop eating it. Sad, is'nt it? Yes, I know, I know. I get so frusterated with myself that I get a great urge to sabatoge all my efforts and just eat a gallon of ice cream to punish myself for being fat. I have to constantly remind myself that food is just needed to live, not live to eat. I have to remind myself that I have made a commitment to eat healthier and stop gaining weight. I have to remind myself that if I don't stop gaining weight now, it will just bite me in the ass later. When will it stop??
I weighed myself this morning, and I am back up to 253.4. Perhaps that is water weight? I know I didnt drink my usual amount of water yesterday and possibly it was the extra calories that I kept shoving in my face of the disgusting food I cooked. Whatever it is, I believe that the scale will go back down. I have to believe in myself.

10 Down and Counting

2009-03-30T10:15:00.000-07:00

I have this new addiction to weighing myself. I cant help myself. I will actually weigh myself several times a day and each time I do, I pray that its not too many pounds over what I weighed that morning. For example, if I weighed 255 in the morning, then I will pray that I don't weigh more than 257 in the evening. If I do, then that means I ate too much that day. Its psycho, I know. I cant help myself. Like I said, its an addiction. This weekend was pretty eventful. On Friday night, at last minute, I went to Big Fish (a local restaurant/bar) with my sister and two friends to celebrate a friend's birthday. Needless to say, I drank WAY more than I should have and got a bit tipsy (I think my Bronchitis meds counter-reacted to the cranberry and vodka) I'll include some pics below. I got very ill. Early Saturday morning we left on a one day cruise to the Bahamas with the family. I was VERY hung over from the night before so I had quite a few nauseous spells on the way there. Once in the Bahamas, my family and I had quite a great time! Its so nice to relax with the family. Sunday, I went to a bar-b-q with my best friend/sista-from-anotha-mutha Ivelka. Funny thing, a guy that is half my height and weight ended up hitting on me. It was very sweet, as he was very respectful and totally laid off the moment I told him I was married (obviously, he wasn't bothered by the fact that I was tugging two kids around). He is a Harley motorcycle guy and I told him that if I got on his bike, it would go flat. What I thought was funny is that when I mentioned this, he replied "you aren't fat, you are HEALTHY". Ummm, is he on drugs???? I'm not healthy! Far from it! I'm FAT! Nevertheless, thought it was funny. I was such a good girl in relation to food this entire weekend. On Friday, I only drank vodka and cranberry (vodka contains the a less amount of calories in comparison to other alcohol) and I ate like a normal person on the cruise (it sure helped that I was very nauseous). In the Bahamas, I ate a good portion of conch salad (it was delicious!!!! wish I could have some more!!) and ate fairly well at the bar-b-q. All in all, I have lost 10 pounds as I weighed in at 252.6 this morning. Remember: I had gone back up to 262 last weekend after all my uncontrollable bingeing.

Back down to 5 Pounds!

2009-03-26T12:25:00.000-07:00

This week started off on the wrong foot, as I weighed in at 262. However, this morning, I am back down to 257.2. This is five pounds lost. Wow, what a difference watching what you eat really makes!
Yesterday, was my father's birthday and I was soooo worried about the birthday cake I was going to devour. What's worse, my mother called me and told me she cooked my favorite steak (bisteak, which is breaded and fried). How can I resist? Where did my mother learn these Chinese torture techniques? It's just not fair. So I did what was expected of me, I ate some bisteak, but in a "normal" quantity. I also served my son on my same plate so I would have to share my amount with him. As for the ice cream cake, I ate a "small" piece and actually threw a bite away! wow! Who the hell are you and what have you done with the REAL fatass Gia?? I was actually proud of myself.
On better news, I am trying to breastfeed my daughter again. I thought that the milk that I am still lactating would be rotten, but apparently not. According to La Leche League, the milk is still good and would be great if I started breastfeeding her again. At first, when I stuck the nipple in her mouth (sorry if there any men reading this) she looked at me with a quizistive look. But being the great baby that she is, she said "the hell with it" and went on to sucking. Shes so great. What is even better, I have layed off on the smoking. Yes, I know, I know, I shouldnt be smoking anyway. I am trying to stop. Perhaps the breastfeeding will also make me loose some calories (is it vain for me to think this way)?
On another topic, I took my son to the Pulmonologist today and got some news about his asthma. First off, I am to continue giving him two aerosol treatments a day and Cingular once a day. But they did an allergy test that has shown some funny results. Well, not funny, but funny in the sense that crap like this only happens to me. Based on the results of the allergy test, JJ is allergic to mold. Now, for the normal person, that would'nt be a problem---> just dont have him smell old, rotted, moldy trees. But for GIA, this means that the mattress that someone let us have, that got a little wet while in storage, that has mildew built up, that I tried cleaning with several products and vacuuming, ---> it has to go. So now what? I have to throw away his mattress and figure out where the money tree grows so I can pluck a couple of bills off of it (preferably the bills that have a guy named Benjamin) Nevertheless, somehow, someway, a new option will appear. Again, as always, wish me luck. Or should I say, "pray for us"?

I'm Trying

2009-03-25T06:38:00.000-07:00

Well, I got back on the scale today. Back down to 260, that is still 7 pounds more than I had gotten down to, but hey, at least the scale is going down in my favor. I must admit that I ate like a pig yesterday, BUT, on healthy things. Yes, I know, the calories add up, but I'm trying. Doesn't that count for something?
I stopped smoking yesterday. I went back to breastfeeding my daughter and I need to be extra healthy to do so. Its a HUGE challenge (the quit smoking part) but well worth it. I have been smoking for 15 years, so quitting is something very difficult for me. However, going back to breastfeeding really means more to me. Last night I put Gianna back on my breast and she seemed confused at first, however, after a little bit, she started feeding like a pro! Shes such a great baby!
This morning, I ate the usual breakfast, egg whites with tomato and cheese and oatmeal. I brought my lunch which consists of SmartOnes frozen meal and carrots and celery to munch on with a tablespoon of ranch dressing. In case I still feel hungry, I have a weight watchers yogurt.
Today is my Dad's birthday and I'm worried about the cake they are going to have. I don't want to cheat on my diet. All my hard work for the day will go down the drain for a piece of cake. Not to mention that we catered a meeting for the our department and I KNOW there will be leftover breakfast. how can i resist that temptation???? I think I can, I think I can, I think I can! Toot, Toot!!

This Sucks!

2009-03-24T10:57:00.000-07:00

Well, folks, I have bronchitis and am feeling really sick. I have been this way since Thursday of last week. Considering that I'm really sick, I have decided that that gave me a clear permission to eat everything in sight. This included ice cream, pizza, more ice cream, cereal, and did I mention ice cream? Lets not forget the power of chocolate. I had it all. I ate like a ravenous beast. So, it was no surprise yesterday when i weighed myself and I saw 262. Yep, folks. I gained 9 pounds over the long weekend. All the water weight just flooded back on. I'm tired of working my ass off during the week and then just packing the pounds back on over the weekend. That's IT! I said from the very beginning that this was a lifestyle change and not a diet. So Gia, act like it. I'm so pissed about the weight gain that I didn't even weigh myself this morning. I feel like a failure.

And the Sun is Shining Upon Me (although its raining outside)

2009-03-19T06:34:00.000-07:00

La, la, la, la! Today I am walking in the clouds because I, Gia, have lost eight pounds! My scale read 253.8 this morning! Whoopee! I want to scream it from the hill tops! Like the Sound of Music! Well, I know I'm still really heavy, but just think, I have lost 8 pounds! That is almost 10!
I know what is making the difference. I have zipped my mouth after dinner to not pig out like I normally do. It also helps that I have been snacking very healthy.
My meals consisted of this yesterday:
Morning- two egg whites with tomato and cheese and oatmeal
Snack- (i wasn't hungry) but i forced myself to eat a small tablespoon of peanut butter
Lunch- wheat pasta with low-fat cheese, lean turkey, and ricotta
Snack- weight watchers yogurt and some grapes
Dinner- some pork shoulder with a tad bit of rice
That's it, I didn't eat anything else. I also drank a TON of water and my usual two cups of green tea.
Last night, as I was reading my book "Secrets of a Former Fat Girl" my mind kept trying to coerce me to go get a snack and pig out. But no, its not an option! I worked out too hard at the gym to go and mess it up at night.
Hopefully, if it stops raining, I will go to the gym for lunch (the gym is located in another building across the parking lot). Either way, I plan on squeezing in a workout right after work. Yes, I am exchanging my food addiction for a workout addiction. But working out does not make me gain weight!
By the way, that book I'm reading, is AWESOME. Finally, a writer that REALLY, REALLY relates to being a fat girl.

Its beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

2009-03-18T12:01:00.000-07:00

During Christmas time, everyone gets a sweet feeling of melancholy and happiness. Today, I felt that feeling after having a fantastic workout! I have FINALLY reached the point where working out is not a dreaded, hated chore. For the past few weeks, everyone has noticed that I return from the gym with a frown and sad demeanor. Well, not today! I went to the gym and did the elliptical machine for 43 minutes which was 3.1 miles! Yes, i know that is pretty slow, but I made it after all. I didn't even pass out! Yeah! As I was walking back to my building, I was in such a good mood that I waved to a friend that was across the parking lot! Believe me, that is a drastic change than how I have felt the last few weeks.
I specifically did 3.1 miles because Corporate Run is coming up in April and I want to be able to cross the finish line. No, I do not intend of running it all, but I wanted to prove to myself that I can do that distance. And I did!
I weighed myself this morning and I have lost another pound. Currently holding in at 255.8. Yes, I know, I am not supposed to weigh myself everyday, but I cannot help it. My scale and I have a secret love affair. Some days I curse its existence, other days, I want to kneel and kiss it. Knowing the psycho in me, I would not be able to see the scale everyday and not weigh myself. (I even weigh myself after I get back home; I just add a couple of pounds for my clothes) Its all psycho, I know, I know.
I started taking some diet pills called Zantrec-3 and they are doing me well. For starters, it suppresses that appetite. And secondly, it gives energy (its loaded with caffeine). My friend Carol gave me her HydroxyCut to try, and lets just say that the new name for those pills should be "pills a la cocaine"! I have so much energy, I don't know what to do with myself.

Motivation

2009-03-17T11:34:00.000-07:00

I hopes of retaining more motivation, i went to the book store with my dear hubby and bought some self-help books. I initially bought the book titled "Skinny Bitch" but realized that the recommendations they make are not realistic for my lifestyle (i.e. no caffeine, no sugars or sugar substitutes, not even diet coke!) so i went back to the book store (again, with the hubby) and bought another book titled "secrets of a former fat girl" which has proved very interesting from the first page read. i also bought a book titled "adventures of diet girl" which is based on a blog of a girl that finally made a change and lost a ton of weight. hopefully, these books will push me even further to loose weight. don't get me wrong, i realize that the inspiration and motivation must come from within me, but bloody hell, it doesn't hurt to get some back up, right!
since i went to the bookstore during my lunch hour, i did not workout. however, i plan on busting out the Biggest Loser DVD i have at home and get a workout in that way.
my husband makes me laugh, he is something else. I realize that with all my crazy antics, he is always supportive and loving. Why the hell would he want to spend HIS lunch hour at the bookstore with me?? Why, because he loves me. I love that booger!
this morning, i was weighing 158.8, so i am going back down. just a little bit at a time, that's all i ask for. how did i get so big, so fast? after having my daughter, i went back down to 142, so what is my excuse for being this big now? THERE IS NO EXCUSE!

Why, oh why???

2009-03-16T07:16:00.000-07:00

Why do i eat soooo much over the weekend??? I totally sabotage everything i do through the week by overeating on the weekend! i get so frustrated with myself! i weighed myself this morning and i am back up to 261.6. I'm so frustrated. i was so upset with myself, that i was tempted to just give up completely. in fact, i wasn't even going to bring my gym bag so i wouldn't work out today. however, my inner strength (i have so little of it) got in gear and forced myself to bring my bag. damn it! i have to do this! i have to loose weight! its not a choice. i am doing this for my children, for my health. I want to be able to enjoy my children and be able to keep up with them. as of now, i am always tired and lazy. i don't want to be like that anymore. i want to be happy and healthy! I'm going to keep trying and I'm going to put in more effort.

Ah, man!

2009-03-13T05:30:00.001-07:00

I weighed myself this morning and i have gained some weight back. i am now at 558! Ah, man! but i know what the problem is. i have been having too many snacks. I have been eating every 2 hours and i need to change that to every 3 hours instead. When i got home yesterday, i was grazing. i had some food that my mom cooked, a piece of chicken, and 1/2 cup of ice cream. the ice cream was sugar-free but with everything else i had eaten yesterday, the numbers really added up. therefore, i will now eat only every 3 hours. my breakfast consisted of 2 egg whites with ham and cheese, and oatmeal. for lunch I'm going to have a Smart Ones lasagna which is 300 calories with some strawberries. now that i know where the problem lies, I'm going to fix it. i have to admit, when i saw the scale today, i was soooo tempted to just give up. i wanted to go raid the refrigerator and eat to my heart's content. however, i resisted, because the weight gain should give me more motivation to eat better. ill let you know how it goes.

I Cant Believe it!

2009-03-12T10:12:00.001-07:00

Before the zumba class started this afternoon, a lady (that is a gym rat) told me that i have great rhythm. ME? the one that cant keep up with the steps??? i couldn't believe it! here she was, giving me a great compliment! i cant believe that she said i move very nicely! i was really nice! yeah me!

I have ankles!!

2009-03-12T04:50:00.000-07:00

yesterday, as i was waiting for the elevator (yes, i know, i should be taking the stairs) i was looking at my reflection in the mirror and noticed that i have ankles now! for those that do not know, i have had a problem with my ankles always being swollen, causing cankles (calf extends to the ankles). i guess this whole working out is making a difference! i couldn't believe it! wow, Mr. ankles, i hadn't seen you in the longest! i was beginning to think that i didn't have ankle bones! lol!
this morning i weighed myself and i down to 256.6! with 261 being my heightest weight since i started the working out, that means i have lost 5 pounds! yeah! finally, the scale is starting to work in my favor! yes, i must admit that by miracle, i didn't over eat last night like usual (perhaps its that i got in a spiff with my husband so i fell asleep really early; not time to overeat). whatever the case may be, Ive lost 5 pounds. that gives me motivation to keep doing what I'm doing.
this morning, i am going to have oatmeal with a splenda and a tad bit of raisins and egg whites with cheese.
i am going to the gym again today at lunch time. it is the zumba class. i have to say, a LONG time ago, i had taken this class with the same instructor. the instructor is a nice gal, so nice, that when i couldn't keep up with the class and couldn't get down the steps, she stopped the class to stand by me to show me how the steps were done. not a big deal, right? WRONG! i felt like such a failure! here she was, stopping the whole class just to show me how to do it! all the attention was drawn to me! how embarrassing! i felt like the "fat girl that couldn't keep up"! needless to say, i never took that class again. oh, and that episode was accompanied with nonstop crying. so going back to today, i am taking that class again, but why, you ask? well, since i have my funny friend Doris (thank you, Doris) to accompany me, the instructors attention is focused on her, not me! LOL! poor Doris, the instructor now stop the class to she her how its done! but there is a big difference between Doris and i. firstly, she is not even half as fat as i am, and secondly, she doesn't give a damn what anybody else thinks (again, thank you, Doris)! Doris' special way helps me get through this class! so wish me luck guys, i am doing zumba today!

Will I Make It?

2009-03-11T11:58:00.000-07:00

Everyday is a challenge, but yet I cant stop feeling guilty about yesterdays errors. (I had a big bowl of cereal before bed) <--- how terrible is that? i guess the only upside is that it was Honey Nut Chex. Nevertheless, it is still "cheating" on my diet, and i felt guilty as hell over it. as i was eating it, my brain kept telling me "stop! don't do it! its not worth the exercise you hated so much at the gym!" I couldn't stop. i just kept munching away, and i even gulped the milk!
i weighed myself this morning... i am weighing a whole 258.8 lbs. Wow, how did i let myself get there again?? even after the gastric-bypass, I'm still a fatty. however, "everyday is a challenge" is my new mantra. so what that i weigh almost 260 lbs, i say to myself. i am going to loose weight whether my body likes it or not!
so i woke this morning, with a new found enthusiasm. i tried to eat egg whites with onions and mushrooms, but my esophagus would not let me. i tried to eat oatmeal with cinnamon, again, my esophagus would not let me. so in the end, i ate oatmeal with half a tablespoon of brown sugar and a couple of raisins. so the mid-morning snack, i had a cup of Honey Nut Chex with no milk. how am i doing so far? well, other than i want to gnaw my own arm off from anxiety, I'm doing okay (my limbs are still in tact).
I am going to try my very best to limit what i eat at home today, as that seems to be my biggest downfall. wish me luck!

And So It Begins

2009-03-10T16:25:00.000-07:00

I figured that since i am starting a whole new way of life with this "healthy eating" and gym crap, i might as well let everyone else know how its been going... bear with me, as i am a work in progress.